Moment of Awakening #3, An Evening at the Grill

In Cancer, Freedom, Marriage, Spiritual Formation, Uncategorized by Bizgainey2 Comments

I recall a mild November evening in 2009 when God and I communed.  I was at the grill preparing our evening meal. God was in the sky doing his thing: painting a brilliant and multi-dimensional sunset that brought delight to my eyes.  Here, on this holy ground of nowhere,¹ I encountered a moment that would encounter all moments!

My first moment of awakening revolves around my journey out of porn addiction and can be found at the following link:

My second moment of awakening centers on my wife’s diagnosis with lymphoma.  You can find that post by following this link:

My third moment of awakening is the subject of this post. It is the ‘catalyst’ behind the previous five years and will, hopefully, be the fuel for the next twenty-five years of my life.

Moment of Awakening #3: A Conversation with God one evening at the Grill

God: I am not a proposition to prove, a program to purchase or a system to manage.  I Am a person to discover; a relationship to explore.

Me: Huh?

God: Okay, I’ll break it down for you.  Where you take it from here, I leave in your hands.  Listen carefully, son: 

I Am not

  1. A Proposition to Prove.
  2. A Program to Purchase.
  3. A System to Manage.

I Am

  1. A Person to Discover
  2. A Relationship to Explore

Me: Do whaaaa?  Oh.  Wow.  Hmm.  Ouch.  This is going to change things.

God: Now you’re getting it!  I knew you would.

I wrote the initial phrase on a barbecue stained, crinkled up napkin. I think God invented napkins for folks like me. You know – those who never have a piece of paper around when the moment arrives! I shared this revelation with Melissa. She said, “Okay, but where is the chicken you are supposed to be grilling right now?”

To which I replied, “Oh crap. The chicken. . . Yeah, I’m on it.”

God's Word to me November 2009 Edit

This is a picture of a personal entry in January of 2010 just after I transferred this ‘word’ from the napkin to my journal

Later that night Melissa and I communed together. It was wonderful. We spoke of all this could mean and how this moment would – no doubt – be the moment of all other moments. The more we shared, the more uneasy I became. In fact, I began to notice a knot in my stomach. The knot indicated an interior disruption on a deeper, more personal level. . . God was disrupting the core, yet again.

Suddenly, I heard myself say, “Oh no!  My whole life has been fueled by proving God or purchasing the next program or managing the system of the church so that she will go where I desire. God is rebuking me. It’s as if He is saying, ‘enough is enough‘”

A Person to Discover

To which Melissa replied, “Yes. He is rebuking you and he is also giving you a vision. He is painting a picture of what life could become. A picture of what could be possible if we began to live as if God is a person to discover and a relationship to explore. Think about it, most people view God as a route to something or someone else. This vision pictures God as the end of all routes!! This vision dares to dream what happens when God truly becomes our End! In other words what type of people would we become if we finally abandoned the ‘holy trinity of church success’ and experienced life as a journey of exploring God and discovering His goodness?”

A new vision was birthed in these moments of listening. A new vision was birthed during this season of silent attending to the spirit of God!

Disrupting to Renew,



¹This turn of phrase comes from, Colson, Charles W., and Nancy Pearcey. How Now Shall We Live? Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House, 1999. Print.  Page 433.



  1. Pingback: A Story About A Church: Something Has to Change! - Disruptus RenovatusDisruptus Renovatus

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